made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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