I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
