Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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