When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You are the jesus of drinking
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
