He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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