So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
