since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
