We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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