I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
