just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
