50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
