My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
