My Higher Power is John Stamos
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
