If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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