he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
