you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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