This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
