girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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