I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
