I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
