when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
How's work?
Spinning.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
