u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
