I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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