I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
