The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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