Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
