I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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