how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
