awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
