ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
