I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
