threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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