ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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