I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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