i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
