@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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