Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize