Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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