Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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