she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
