Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
