dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
