Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
