i jhust puked up my retainher.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
