I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
