I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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