those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
