Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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