kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
They took my balls.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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