You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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