On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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