I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
