Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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