I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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