I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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