i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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