My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
