You can't special order awesome
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
