Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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