She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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