You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
